It's a pleasure to meet you, RedRum. It took some time for me to respond to your attention and compliments since I had to meticulously inspect each word you used and list each way it could be interpreted so that I could understand - really comprehend - your post and your message. You might not realize that your friends on this site have already frayed all of my nerves and left me a tad jumpy and defensive or just completely suspect of Satanists in general as they have now been known to catch me off guard. I thought I had calmed down about it but you managed to have me tied in a knot in just one friendly post.
Originally Posted by RedRum
And there's no turning back now...
Oh, haha, of course there is. See, one of the best features of the CoS is the shiny EXIT door that everyone is entitled to use and all should respect, as it can be used against one's will as needed. I had my eye on that door and I didn't intend to lose sight of it. I thought I was keeping my "turning back" option open, just in case.
Oh. That's short sighted, isn't it? I won't go far if I am eyeing the door. I am acting like I don't want to be here. That's untrue, but..
Why would I turn back? Do I still expect to find out some horrific detail that will sour my Satanic stew I've been enjoying? Jeez, man, your post was so nice, how is that one phrase going to punch me in the chest like it feels like you did? There's no turning back? Are you threatening me? You've given me an: Oh, shit, I've got to get out of here panic! It's cool, I know you didn't mean to and you're certainly not the first. Again, I apologize that it took me so long to drag myself back in here to gain control of me. I am trying hard to act deliberately instead of falling victim to emotional and mental ticks. Your post sent my mind into an internal argument about whether, why, and when I was "turning back" and it sucked away all the skills I needed to just say: hi there, fella, nice to meet ya.
I'M NOT TURNING BACK, I proclaim, my knuckles white from the intensity of my door knob grip. I cannot go somewhere and also stay in one place. I have a GO/STAY dichotomy and that's messed up, so you'll solve it for me, RedRum?
We are on a train together and I can get on (go) or off (stay). See, I like this train, I like being inside but I have to admit to myself that the train is moving! It is going. If I want to stay, I must get off the train. I do not want my life to stay the same. I will not leave this goddamn train. I am going. Solved.
Aw, I wish it were that easy. Would you believe me if I said I will carry that analogy with me and use it in everyday decision making? Your simple words created a mental scene that I will revisit and always feel your presence. Cool.
I like you, RedRum. You can call me any name you choose. I deem "Angela" my Satanic name but I'll answer to anything.