#135176 - 12/02/05 03:39 PM
Just Wondering
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Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 1
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I was wondering where i could find a Church of Satan in my area.I live in san bernardino,california anywhere around the Inland empire would be fine.
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#135178 - 12/02/05 04:23 PM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: John_Paul]
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CoS Reverend
Registered: 06/03/02
Posts: 4136
Loc: Oregon
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Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head. We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson. When someone approaches you, the code phrase is: "What the FUCK are you looking at, Beauregard?" (Shout this phrase as loud as you can. Agent Jackson is a bit hard of hearing.) If this is inconvenient, the best we can do is direct you to The Church of Satan's web site at www.churchofsatan.com, which will provide you with all of the information you need. Actually, had you read the information provided at that web address thoroughly, you would already know the correct answer to your question. If you follow the instructions above, you may become eligible for a prestigious Darwin Award. http://www.darwinawards.com/
Edited by Agt_Malebranche (12/02/05 04:47 PM)
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#135179 - 12/02/05 04:28 PM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: Rev_Malebranche]
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CoS Member
Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 1447
Loc: New England
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Quote:
Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.
We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.
When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:
"What the FUCK are you looking at?"
Priceless!
_________________________
"Infernal world; and thou profoundest hell
Receive thy new possessor! One, who brings
A mind not to be chang'd by place or time,
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, or a hell of heaven." - Paradise Lost, lines 251-255 of Book IWading in the cyberspace cesspool (MySpace page)
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#135180 - 12/02/05 04:29 PM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: Rev_Malebranche]
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Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 113
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Quote:
Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.
We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.
When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:
"What the FUCK are you looking at?"
If this is inconvenient, the best we can do is direct you to
The Church of Satan's web site at www.churchofsatan.com, which will provide you with all of the information you need.
 If luaghing one's self sick is a crime, you should be arrested, Sir! This is the only kind of answer to those seeking a 'Friendly neighbourhood Satanic walk-in centre.'
Shit, those fucking shysters at the Church Of $cientology have one in the upper west side of New York, maybe the CoS should have one.
Nah...
_________________________
Quote of the year: "Did you actually just post your phone number? Do you have any idea how many freaks and losers and potential stalkers frequent this board!?" by Agt_Malebranche.
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#135183 - 12/02/05 05:29 PM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: Rev_Malebranche]
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CoS Warlock
Registered: 03/09/05
Posts: 2770
Loc: Here.
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"While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire" I am more than happy to provide transportation to Compton. And the pillowcase/bedsheet combination. And the videocamera. For a hefty but mostly modest fee.
_________________________
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#135185 - 12/02/05 06:18 PM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: Rev_Malebranche]
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CoS Reverend
Registered: 03/23/02
Posts: 1773
Loc: Avalon UK
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Quote:
It's a small price to pay for the wisdom that we offer.
When you say "we", you are referring to the secret Satanic collective whose continued membership of The Church of Satan depends entirely on their ability to kidnap unsuspecting neophytes and teach them life's harsher realities, yes?
I have some string and a reel of sticky tape.
If you let me watch, I'll make nice cups of tea for everyone...
Hail Satan!
~ DE
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#135188 - 12/02/05 10:53 PM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: Rev_Malebranche]
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CoS Warlock
Registered: 03/09/05
Posts: 2770
Loc: Here.
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"I'm sure our prospective new member realizes that he'll need to be bound, drugged and thrown in the trunk of your vehicle for the ride."
The pleasure is all mine, sir.
_________________________
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#135189 - 12/03/05 01:26 AM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: Rev_Malebranche]
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Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 326
Loc: Israel
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This one should go into the humor section. Keep up the good work!
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#135191 - 12/06/05 11:05 AM
Re: Just Wondering
[Re: John_Paul]
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CoS Reverend
Registered: 07/28/01
Posts: 11210
Loc: New England, USA
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>>I was wondering where i could find a Church of Satan >>in my area. You can find one on the same road as the huge cornfield of Pepperidge Farm, across the street from a Keebler hollow tree. Just watch out for the flaming arrows shot from the parapets of Burger King's castle (a.k.a. White Castle). By the way, if you see the elves, can you pick me up some Fudge Grahams? Thanks.
_________________________
Reverend Bill M. http://www.devilsmischief.com: Carnal Comedy Clips, Netherworld Novelty Numbers, New hour every week. Download the mp3 now! http://www.aplaceformystuff.org: Tales of Combat Clutter and other Adventures (Wenn du Google's Übersetzer verwendest, um diese Worte zu lesen, dann bist du ein Arschloch.)
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