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Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.

We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.

When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:

"What the FUCK are you looking at?"

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Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.

We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.

When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:

"What the FUCK are you looking at?"

If this is inconvenient, the best we can do is direct you to
The Church of Satan's web site at www.churchofsatan.com, which will provide you with all of the information you need.

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If luaghing one's self sick is a crime, you should be arrested, Sir! This is the only kind of answer to those seeking a 'Friendly neighbourhood Satanic walk-in centre.'

Shit, those fucking shysters at the Church Of $cientology have one in the upper west side of New York, maybe the CoS should have one.

Nah...

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It's a small price to pay for the wisdom that we offer.

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