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#135176 - 12/02/05 03:39 PM Just Wondering
John_Paul Offline


Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 1
I was wondering where i could find a Church of Satan in my area.I live in san bernardino,california anywhere around the Inland empire would be fine.

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#135177 - 12/02/05 04:19 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: John_Paul]
Linguascelesta Offline

CoS Warlock

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 2352
Loc: Europa
I don't think you're going to get the answer you'd like...

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#135178 - 12/02/05 04:23 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: John_Paul]
Rev_Malebranche Offline
CoS Reverend

Registered: 06/03/02
Posts: 4136
Loc: Oregon
Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.

We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.

When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:

"What the FUCK are you looking at, Beauregard?"

(Shout this phrase as loud as you can. Agent Jackson is a bit hard of hearing.)

If this is inconvenient, the best we can do is direct you to
The Church of Satan's web site at www.churchofsatan.com, which will provide you with all of the information you need. Actually, had you read the information provided at that web address thoroughly, you would already know the correct answer to your question.

If you follow the instructions above, you may become eligible for a prestigious Darwin Award.

http://www.darwinawards.com/


Edited by Agt_Malebranche (12/02/05 04:47 PM)

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#135179 - 12/02/05 04:28 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
Maya Offline
CoS Member

Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 1447
Loc: New England
Quote:

Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.

We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.

When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:

"What the FUCK are you looking at?"




Priceless!

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#135180 - 12/02/05 04:29 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
Titania Offline


Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 113
Quote:

Actually, you are in luck! While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire, if you are willing to make the trek to Los Angeles, we do have a representative who can meet with you and guide you to a Satanic safehouse. Just go to the NE corner of Compton Boulevard and Alameda Street, poke two holes in a white pillowcase and put it on your head.

We have someone watching via closed circuit television at all hours. His name is Agent Beauregard Jackson.

When someone approaches you, the code phrase is:

"What the FUCK are you looking at?"

If this is inconvenient, the best we can do is direct you to
The Church of Satan's web site at www.churchofsatan.com, which will provide you with all of the information you need.




If luaghing one's self sick is a crime, you should be arrested, Sir! This is the only kind of answer to those seeking a 'Friendly neighbourhood Satanic walk-in centre.'

Shit, those fucking shysters at the Church Of $cientology have one in the upper west side of New York, maybe the CoS should have one.

Nah...
_________________________
Quote of the year: "Did you actually just post your phone number? Do you have any idea how many freaks and losers and potential stalkers frequent this board!?" by Agt_Malebranche.

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#135181 - 12/02/05 04:47 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
Linguascelesta Offline

CoS Warlock

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 2352
Loc: Europa
Indeed, priceless, and so thoughtful of you to kindly and graciously give such helpful instructions

Serious face

Keeps serious face

It's no good

I can't

No chance

I love it.

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#135182 - 12/02/05 04:48 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Linguascelesta]
Rev_Malebranche Offline
CoS Reverend

Registered: 06/03/02
Posts: 4136
Loc: Oregon
Customer service is my first priority.

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#135183 - 12/02/05 05:29 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
RandomStranger Offline
CoS Warlock

Registered: 03/09/05
Posts: 2770
Loc: Here.
"While we regrettably do not have an office in the Inland Empire"

I am more than happy to provide transportation to Compton.

And the pillowcase/bedsheet combination.

And the videocamera.

For a hefty but mostly modest fee.

_________________________




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#135184 - 12/02/05 05:51 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: RandomStranger]
Rev_Malebranche Offline
CoS Reverend

Registered: 06/03/02
Posts: 4136
Loc: Oregon
How generous of you! I'm sure that our new initiate will be delighted.

Of course, by offering transportation, I'm sure our prospective new member realizes that he'll need to be bound, drugged and thrown in the trunk of your vehicle for the ride.

It's a small price to pay for the wisdom that we offer.

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#135185 - 12/02/05 06:18 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
Entity Offline

CoS Reverend

Registered: 03/23/02
Posts: 1774
Loc: Avalon UK
Quote:

It's a small price to pay for the wisdom that we offer.




When you say "we", you are referring to the secret Satanic collective whose continued membership of The Church of Satan depends entirely on their ability to kidnap unsuspecting neophytes and teach them life's harsher realities, yes?

I have some string and a reel of sticky tape.

If you let me watch, I'll make nice cups of tea for everyone...


Hail Satan!

~ DE
_________________________
~ Reverend Entity

Nothing is better than to live according to one's taste. - Franšois Villon

Test Everything. Believe Nothing.

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#135186 - 12/02/05 06:52 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Entity]
Rev_Malebranche Offline
CoS Reverend

Registered: 06/03/02
Posts: 4136
Loc: Oregon
An afternoon tea in a Compton flat, held over the battered, bruised, and bound body of someone who is not particularly bright, with the pitter-patter of drive-by shootings in the distance.

If that's not Satanic, I'm absolutely certain I don't know what is.


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#135187 - 12/02/05 06:55 PM Now you know... [Re: John_Paul]
Nemo Offline
CoS Magister

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 12600
Loc: Point Nemo s48:52:31:748, w123...
Now you know what happens if you do not post your requisite introduction first.

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#135188 - 12/02/05 10:53 PM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
RandomStranger Offline
CoS Warlock

Registered: 03/09/05
Posts: 2770
Loc: Here.
"I'm sure our prospective new member realizes that he'll need to be bound, drugged and thrown in the trunk of your vehicle for the ride."

The pleasure is all mine, sir.
_________________________




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#135189 - 12/03/05 01:26 AM Re: Just Wondering [Re: Rev_Malebranche]
pitzi_83 Offline


Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 326
Loc: Israel
This one should go into the humor section.
Keep up the good work!

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#135190 - 12/03/05 02:18 AM Re: Just Wondering [Re: pitzi_83]
RandomStranger Offline
CoS Warlock

Registered: 03/09/05
Posts: 2770
Loc: Here.
The funny part is that you thought that I was joking
_________________________




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#135191 - 12/06/05 11:05 AM Re: Just Wondering [Re: John_Paul]
Bill_M Offline
CoS Magister

Registered: 07/28/01
Posts: 11570
Loc: New England, USA
>>I was wondering where i could find a Church of Satan
>>in my area.

You can find one on the same road as the huge cornfield of Pepperidge Farm, across the street from a Keebler hollow tree. Just watch out for the flaming arrows shot from the parapets of Burger King's castle (a.k.a. White Castle).

By the way, if you see the elves, can you pick me up some Fudge Grahams? Thanks.
_________________________
Reverend Bill M.

http://www.devilsmischief.com: Carnal Comedy Clips, Netherworld Novelty Numbers,
New hour every week. Download the mp3 now!

http://www.aplaceformystuff.org: Tales of Combat Clutter and other Adventures

(Wenn du Google's ▄bersetzer verwendest, um diese Worte zu lesen, dann bist du ein Arschloch.)

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