When I first began reading the Satanic Bible, I found myself excited and intrigued about the philosophy and culture. I had this gittery need to find out everything I could. Here was a book that described parts of who I was inside, shared the opinions and outlook that I have always had. Certainly, I felt, there must be even more coming from this Man and his Church that would fill in even more of the puzzle.
I did not once come to LTTD, or the COS website in search of getting a person to answer my questions. I thought about doing that, but I knew that the answers were out there, and that as a Satanist (if that was indeed what I was), it was wholey my responsiblity to discover what I was looking for. In a Christian church, for instance, the clergy tells you more or less what the rules are, how to live, what your morals are, and what happens if you dont follow in line. But Satanism is clearly not this way. You decide your own path, which can make figuring out the structure and philosophy a bit confusing for the beginner.
So my advice for such people is this: get yourself ALL of Laveys books, the TSB, Rituals, The Satanic Witch, Satan Speaks, The Devils Notebook, and also Blanche Bartons Secret Life of a Satanist, The Church of Satan
, and in the past few months more and more incredible essay books have been released, noteably Satanic Scriptures from Magus Gilmore. Also buy yourself a blank notepad. Read these books, and then read them again. Come here and eavesdrop on conversations. Take notes and write a journal about all the information you collect, points that you are unclear about, references you are unfamiliar with, and research those.
Before long (or maybe after long for some), you will begin to understand. And if you still dont, then a Satanist is most likely not who you are. But atleast the very least, you will have educated yourself, which is always a good thing.
Most questions about Satanism can not be answered for you. You have to find them yourself. It is a religion of the self, and none of us here know you well enough to answer for you.
Good luck! And as far a obtaining all these books, Amazon.com is a wonderful thing.