im trying to write what a call the satanic saying. and i would like any feedback or adivice anyone would have to offer.

the satanic saying

hail satan, father of fire, bringer of light.may he rise from the gates of hell. and lay his
undefiled wisdom upon those who deserve.for with in one hand he carry the sword of vengance
and in the other the sheild of indulgence. shall all demons rise from the firey depths of
hell. with all this we burn in your name.
hail satan

May I suggest making it a bit more cryptic and less.... common. It's always funner for the reader to make his/her own interpretation of the lyrics. Try using something that "improperly" describes you.

I agree with Nine, and would also like to add that though I do like parts of it, It sounds very much like the polar opposite of something i would hear at a catholic mass... especially the "we burn in your name." part

as a last comment, try not to make it sound like a prayer to satan... although I am a satanist i don't worship HIM, i just like the way he thinks :P

HS!

You asked for feedback so here is mine.

1) How about capitalizing the proper nouns and the first letter of each new sentence in your writing?
2) Why would you feel the need for feedback for something this personal?
3) What is the point to this anyway?


Ultimate suggestion: READ and STUDY The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White!

Assuming you are writing this to use in your own personal rituals, as long as it fires you up/floats your boat/draws you in to that 'ritual space', then it works for you!

For me personally it comes over as a bit Theistic - like you are addressing a 'real' anthropomorphic entity, or, as someone has already noted, a bit too much like an inverted xtian prayer - but that's just me - you are your own God - go with what suits you!

Personally I don't like it... It's very... well it reminds me of the Our Father... It seems a bit un-original. I don't know, just my opinion.
From a grammatical point of view capitalization is always good. Also try not to start a sentence with "and". The word "and" is a conjunction.
oh, and I really don't like "we burn in your name" sounds like were martyrs or something. Sacrificing ourselves for our god.

Indeed this should be personal. It must have meaning to you, as you are the one saying it in a ritual. But in being a literature student, I would personally love to see more metaphor and imagery in your writing, but if short and sharp best exemplifies your style, then go for it!

I'm gonna have to agree with MorningStar13. It does sound to much like worship of Satan rather than an allegorical invocation.
I think my biggest gripe about it is that it doesn't seem to have any sort of personal twist to it. It sounds more like someone saying "Hail Satan!" in a very long and drawn out way.

Don't let our criticisms get you down though. You'll get the hang of it soon enough.

A nice ending Doubting Thomas. This is a necessarilly harsh board which leads to the quickest results. Sometimes patience is a virtue, sometimes it's a waste of effort. That's for You to decide I suppose. I know that I'll appreciate it when I post a bonehead statement. (Not implying you were refering to a bonehead post). As long as in the end the original point was corrected.

How old are you?

Hail Satan, Father of Fire, Bringer of Light.

I rise from the Gates of Hell

I lay my undefiled wisdom upon the deserving.

In my Left hand I wield the sword of Vengance, in my right the shield of blasphemous indulgence.

Mine Demons, Rise from thy fiery depths.

HAIL SATAN,

HAIL (insert your name).

Just a little editing and none the wiser, eh.

Hello Phineas,

If you were inquiring about My age (BenFranklin), I am 41. Why do You ask?

No, I was inquiring about the age of the original poster. My post would have appeared directly under and slightly indented to the right of yours had I replied to you.