Dear Satan:

I am nearing my 6666th post on Letters to the Devil.

Please, if you could, could my 6666th post be a brutally cruel permanent ban of an idiot who actually believes in your literal existence?

It's been a while since I've done that.

While I might make it to my 39,996th post sometime around 2052, only Rev. Bill would appreciate it.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Rev. Daark

May you have your wish, good Reverend.

May you make it to 39,996 posts, too!

I don't think Courtney Love knows how to use a computer yet, so your wish might not be granted. I'm sorry, Reverend.

Dear Satan,

Napalm here. I really think you should grant Reverend Daark his wish; it would make us all very happy in the pants.
Also, I was wondering if I could get some of those snazzy Devil themed under-shorts I see so many of your wicked minions sporting nowadays. And, if it isn't too much trouble, I'd also like a Deicide pin, a Merciful Fate poster, and a first edition Chicago LP on vinyl.

SIN-cerely,

Nickie

Devil themed under-shorts would be a sweet deal!!

Nickie, I think you mistook Satan for Santa.

Well, they both wear RED!!!

Hail Santa!

Another thing is that if you move the letters around in Santa, you get Satan.

You sir,are the MASTER of observations!

Dearest Satan,
On top of what Reverend Daark has already asked of you,do you think you could make it one of those "supercool dudes" that is always whining about smoking weed and nobody telling them how cool they are for it?That would be fantastic!

I believe those are called anagrams. By the way, are you by any chance running for MOTO man this year?

I'm sorry... I only have a song.

Dear Satan--

I'd like to add a wish of my own, which will coincide nicely with Reverend Daark's. If his wish is granted, whoever he bans may scuttle, with tears on their cheeks and anger in their heart, to whatever dismal crevice serves as their "ritual chamber", with the intent of calling upon you to smite the good Reverend.

I would like you, Satan, to actually appear in person, with a film crew in tow, so that everyone could enjoy watching Mr. or Ms. Theistic Satanist shit their pants on YouTube when a literal devil actually shows up, without aid of hallucinogens.

Satan, I understand that, being a metaphor rather than a literal entity, public appearances are rather difficult for you, but if you could make an exception, I would be eternally grateful for the laugh. I would even be willing to let you crash at my place for the night before returning to Hell. I don't mind if your horns or spiked tail gouge the mattress--that thing's shot anyway--but I would have to ask you to refrain from setting anything on fire, as I do not own the house. Thank you.

Sincerely,
SteelAndStone


(BTW, Reverend, I see you have hit post 6666. Was your wish granted?)

I really enjoyed this ancillary. That would be a hoot to watch.

Dear Satan,

I still believe in you! After you finish fulfilling Reverend Daark's unholy wish, could you see fit, in your infernal wisdom, to fill My stocking with beer and sex? Also, make Billy decide to let *Me* DM the next D&D game! That guy sucks at DMing! If you grant Me these dark desires, oh most unholy father, I promise to sacrifice a chicken on your flaming, unholy grill altar in My back yard. Plus, I'll be your bestest friend!

Hate and hugs,
Your Obedient Servant.

Beautiful!

I don't know if Satan granted you a laugh, but you made me laugh. Thank you.

Congratulations to you kind sir! 6666 posts!

Did you leave milk and cookies for Satan? Wait, Satan is not real, Satan is not real, Satan is not real.

"Satan is Real". Thanks! A new one for the iPod.
Cheers!