I would like you, Satan, to actually appear in person, with a film crew in tow, so that everyone could enjoy watching Mr. or Ms. Theistic Satanist shit their pants on YouTube when a literal devil actually shows up, without aid of hallucinogens.

Satan, I understand that, being a metaphor rather than a literal entity, public appearances are rather difficult for you, but if you could make an exception, I would be eternally grateful for the laugh. I would even be willing to let you crash at my place for the night before returning to Hell. I don't mind if your horns or spiked tail gouge the mattress--that thing's shot anyway--but I would have to ask you to refrain from setting anything on fire, as I do not own the house. Thank you.