I have a roommate who always does the chores, or at least most of them. I never ask him and he never lets me know he's going to do them ahead of time. It's been working out well, until today.

We were scheduled to do a chore in our building. He said he planned on going out later, so I asked him about how his half of the chore was going to get done. He accused me of worrying too much. I suggested he at least find someone to cover for him. Then he said, with all seriousness, "I find it hard to believe you ever worked a day in your life." He then walked out and did his part, or so I thought. I discovered he did pretty much all of it. I told him it wasn't necessary and that I was only concerned about his half, to which he replied "Eh, it's alright."

...what the fuck?

Did he expect me to offer to do his half? Was he trying to prove a point? Was he trying to make me feel like an asshole? Or did he just get carried away?

Of course these are questions I could ask him, but I hate tension and until now we've had a friendly relationship. I don't want to feel like I'm dwelling on something or starting shit. I'm hoping this will blow over, but what if it comes up again in the future?

I've had similar encounters with other people in the past. They voluntarily take the initiative to get things done, and when they beat me to it they accuse me of being lazy and somehow imply that I owe them something.

I could take this as a lesson to take more initiative from now on, but I'm just curious what his real motives are.

Does this sound like a psychic vampire to any of you? Does this story ring a bell?

No.

Psychic vampire, good guy badge; I've noticed something very curious about these terms.

Someone does something because it makes them feel good and just so happens to benefit someone else, well obviously the asshole is looking to "shine his good guy badge". Nothing else needs to be considered at all. It's become so prevalent, that it might as well be a members only jacket. The practical use of the term has been abused - applied to so many situations, that it's essentially worthless. Any time I see it in use these days, I can't help but notice the ass-patting that goes along with it.

Then there's the other one, psychic vampire. Not as common, but just as easily tossed about and just as easily abused.

So could it possibly be that your roommate simply enjoys getting things done in a timely fashion, rather than waiting around for you to lend a hand.

I'm going to assume that your roommate knows you at least somewhat well, and then take into consideration that you've even admitted that this may be a lesson to take more initiative in life. I'm left to question if perhaps the roles aren't in fact reversed, offering a better use and candidate for the term "psychic vampire".

It does sound a little bit like you are the negative factor in your situation.

See, I do not wait for him to get anything done, expect it or depend on him. He just does it. I do chores when I get the chance to, but he always beats me to it. Today I told him I expected his even share of the chore to be done. It was totally unnecessary to do the whole damn thing, yet he did it and made it seem like it was nothing, when he expressed resentment a minute earlier.

I don't see how someone can feel resentment toward another person when they do above and beyond what they need to, when it isn't requested or expected. If it was, that would be a different matter.

I fail to see how I could be the psychic vampire in this situation.

So far you're looking a gift horse in the mouth. You've yet to say what it is he demands of you and comes-to-you-a-wanting for.

I'm wondering if he expects me to do something for him, in exchange of doing something completely unnecessary and unexpected for me. Perhaps he wanted me to do his chore but didn't want to come out and say it? If he did I might have considered it, but that is not what happened.

Right, scroll up and read what Poetaster wrote, especially his last paragraph. It's all there for you.

Maybe this is a simple case of passive aggressiveness.

I still fail to see how I'm being the psychic vampire, by any definition. I'm not being manipulative or baiting him. I'm not using him or expecting anything of him.

For a bit of a fun just to lighten things up, we'll call England the psychic vampire, France is you, and Italy is the person who did the chores. France is closer to England. You may not be England, but you are still closer to England than Italy is. You dig?

I'm starting to get the impression we're just in competition for who can make the most posts.

This makes 65 for me.

:::Pats Poetaster's ass for writing a good post::::

I think you're absolutely right; terms like "goodguy badge" and "psychic vampire" are sometimes tossed around a bit too loosely, and we need to tighten 'er up, lest these words lose their meaning and significance.

I think if you (you generic, not "you Poetaster" or "you Malform") find that your world is over-populated with "goodguy-badge-polishers" or "psychic vampires,"--or assholes, or cheats, or liars, or hypocrites, or morons, or what have you--you need to ask yourself if you might be the one with the problem.

And, sometimes, you just have an awkward or uncomfortable encounter with someone, or some kind of mutual misunderstanding, and neither of you is necessarily "to blame."

Taking initiative is certainly not psychic vampirism, and feeling contrite, guilty, or confused because someone did a chore or a task for you is also not necessarily a sign that the person is a psychic vampire.

Psychic vampires are bottomless pits who use their victim status and/or some small favor they did for you all too long ago as justification for bleeding you dry with constant requests, and who use manipulation and guilt make you feel bad and ungrateful for ever saying 'no.'

Dude. He did your part. What's all the fuss about?

Just lay back, smoke a cigar and when it's time for chores again, come up with a clever way for him to do your part again. If he does a good job, take all the credit. If he does a shitty job, put all the blame on him.

It's called delegation.

Think of it this way: Why do you think Satan has a lot of lesser demons doing his bidding on his behalf? Would you think the devil would do all that hard work himself? Paaaallleeeaaase!

I think that is an accurate assessment. I guess I'm looking into this too much and if I feel guilty it's because I know I don't do as much around here as he does, which would be my problem.



I like the way you think!

I suspect it will not. You will keep an eye on the situation to see that it does, and your attention is what can prevent that from happening. The slightest possible indication that the situation has not blown over will cause you to become even more bothered.

Either confront him about it or forget it, but hoping it blows over will not make it so.

The other thing is that if you are looking for a psychic vampire, you will likely find one, even if one is not there. See if a real pattern emerges.

Dear Abby...

There is a difference between someone who is being a Psychic Vampire, and someone who is generally being an annoying pain in the ass.

I have known honest-to-god Psychic Vampires. They are like gnats, and they are extreme in their tactics to the point of being dangerous to the well being of others.

Being moody and acting like an idiot is not what I have in mind when I think of Psychic Vampires. PV's tend to ruin lives. Specifically, they tend to ruin the lives of people who can't make the cut, who can't seem to shake them.

Anyone with common sense and a strong desire to maintain self-preservation should be able to sniff these people out, and at the very least, avoid them...of course, it's a lot more FUN to fuck with them first.

But in your particular case, I would group this in with "common, everyday human annoyances." There are people around. Lots of them. Sometimes, they live with you. Other times, they work with you. And quite often, quite a few of them can be a pain in the ass; yet still be completely harmless, if you know how to deal with them. In my case, I don't deal directly with very many people. I always seem to find a middle-man to do that sort of thing for me. It's also usually someone who WANTS the gossip or drama that I am not willing to deal with.

This is life. These are people. Get used to them, because christ, there sure are a hell of a lot of them around...

Some people just like things done their way or feel that they can't relax if there is something that is undone. Some get a psychological bonus out of doing more than their share.

I think you need to look at how this person interacts with others, what his background is and so on that'll give you a better understanding of his motivation.

Oof, it does sound familiar but I can relate more to your roommate.

I fully acknowledge that I run at a faster pace than some. I have a very hard time relaxing if I see something that needs to be done so I do it. Sometimes this can be disruptive (e.g., jumping up to do the dishes immediately after a meal when guests are trying to relax, vacuuming while someone is trying to watch television, etc). So I make an effort to balance my need with consideration for my surroundings.

But I own this personality quirk. I don't expect others to do what I do, to change themselves in order to accommodate me. It's futile and not my goal. I just like things to be the way I like them. I'm not digging for compliments or approval. Per my egocentricity, it's all about me. And I think that may be what rankles and perplexes some people -- the fact that my actions have nothing to do with them.

I might've been snippy too if you had said that to me though. Given your roommate's track record, it kind of sounded like you were nagging him for no reason. I may've even done the entire chore. Not out of martyrdom or passive-aggressive manipulation but because I was so pissed I had to busy my anger out in some way. And, yeh, when I was spent it would've been over, no hard feelings. I don't have the energy to hold a grudge over something so minor. I save my rage for big stuff. Like tail-gaters (not the football weirdos, the people I can't even see in my rearview mirror they are so far up my exhaust pipe).

The fact that his comment stung you so much (that you felt compelled to post about it) might be a warning sign that you saw some truth in what he said... ?

I think I'm a little wiser after reading some of the feedback in this thread.



In the future I think I just need to find some other way to vent about it and wait to see how I feel the morning after (I feel fine right now) before bringing it to a public online forum. Overall it was a bad and impulsive idea, although I did gain a little insight from it.

Thanks, everyone.

Hey, it happens.

I used to be a real sensitive Sam about things like this. I remember one particular time, somebody criticized some of my work that I had online. I fired back with some nasty email, thinking I was chumpitizing the guy, when in reality, he was the one who had my number all along. A couple of people pointed it out to me, and I realized I was the one with the problem, and not him. Times have since changed; I can deal with people a lot better. But this forum is not known for it's mollycoddling tendencies, and in a way, it may be the BEST place to post these issues...simply because you will most certainly be given a perspective that is far more harsh and unrelenting than anywhere else, and it will really make you think twice about the big picture.

It sure worked for me. After I did some more growing up, I was also able to deal with minuscule things without getting too bent out of shape. But I can imagine there is some poor bastard out there who is doing a destruction ritual once a day due to every Tom Dick and Jane he runs into who doesn't embrace him and cuddle him every step of the way. I worked with a contractor who was so easily angered, that when his boss told him he had to stop taking his computer to work, he pulled a knife on the guy. Now THAT's a lack of perspective.

Yup, live and learn.

I often find myself at a crossroads when another person critiques or criticizes me, because I then have to decide if their criticism is valid, and if their delivery was appropriate, because that will largely determine how I should and will respond in turn.

I for one am impressed with how well you've taken everyone's critiques and advice in this thread, Malform. It shows a lot of maturity, and it speaks well of you!

No.

Really?

You have a roommate who always does the chores?
In that particular situation, he did pretty much all of the chores?

You poor thing.

I must say I more or less admire the fact that you review your part in the situation. Wanting to learn from past behaviour is always good.

I wouldn't per se say there's anything psychic vampiric in your roommate's actions.
Yes, take it as a lesson to take more initiative;
Your roommate is worrying about your end of the deal. That doesn't quite look that good.

But I guess, of all people, a Satanist would have a special someone doing the chores for 'em...