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#480682 - 09/18/12 01:33 AM Dealing With Death and Grief
Labyrinthine Offline

CoS Member

Registered: 02/05/12
Posts: 520
Loc: America
We all know we'll die someday.

That death is permanent.

Therefore, we live life to the fullest.

But a big part of our lives, are the other people in our lives that we love.

How are we to handle, respectively, the deaths of our parents, lovers, friends, and move on to be happy again?

Do you believe that one can lose a "soul mate" and find deep love again later in life?

How did you as a Satanist handle grief and "moving on"?

I've been lucky to not lose anyone close to me...I'm only 19, and my parents and brother are still alive, no grandparents have died while I've been able to remember, no friends dead.

But I worry about what I'd do if my fiancee were to die...how I would endure. I know I would, but, I don't know how yet...

Hence I'd appreciate views of fellow Satanists on the issue of how they handle the topic themselves.

My deepest condolences to all those that have loved and lost.

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#480683 - 09/18/12 01:45 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
Janina Offline
CoS Member

Registered: 12/06/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: Center of my own Universe
In most parts I think about death that it is only natural. Now this sounds little harsh, but I think that best thing you can do with dying is simply let go. Usually we are more attached to our own feelings than person him- or herself so letting go should be a mental process.

When loved one dies the best way is to continue ones life with the best he or she can, suffer as feeling is very powerful emotion but to let it rule is not very productive.

I have buried few friends and a parent during my life, and my way to handle the situation is to understand how it is the most natural thing and I as well will die some day. When I remember it, I remember also to respect that I am still here living and enjoy my life until it ends as well!
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#480685 - 09/18/12 02:06 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
Drake_Bamboozle Offline
CoS Reverend

Registered: 06/25/02
Posts: 10562
Loc: England
One can only deal with it in their own way.

Stronger men than anyone here have been broken by the blows that life can deal. And sometimes there is no getting over it. I've watched that happen many times. I would not profess to be impenetrable.
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#480686 - 09/18/12 05:06 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
Robert K Stock Offline



Registered: 08/22/12
Posts: 38
Loc: El Reno, Oklahoma
I have known four people who were murdered, three suicides, and several people who died in auto accidents. Death is a natural part of life, but it is hard to describe the hurt of having someone ripped away from life so suddenly.

Everyone handles grief differently. I concentrated on what would the lost loved one say to me if they could speak to me. Would they say I was honoring their memory? Would they want me to wallow in despair or live my life to the fullest?

A young person believes that the individual they fall in love with is the one and only great love of their life. In reality there are many people that could be anyone's "soul mate" if given the chance. It is time spent and experience shared that creates love.

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#480690 - 09/18/12 10:51 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
TrojZyr Offline
CoS Witch

Registered: 07/25/01
Posts: 12982
Loc: The Solid State
I often make a point to tell my parents that I love them, and when we part ways, I strive to ensure that the parting is on a positive, loving note, even if we're only going to be apart for a short time.

I do very much the same with the other people I care about--particularly the bit about not parting on a sour note.

I also try to enjoy the time I have with people, when I'm with them, and to be mindful that that time may be limited.

Other than that, I'm not sure what else I could do. Death is something that is often very difficult to prevent, predict, or prepare for, fully.
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#480692 - 09/18/12 11:32 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
Bill_M Offline
CoS Reverend

Registered: 07/28/01
Posts: 11532
Loc: New England, USA
Originally Posted By: Labyrinthine
How are we to handle, respectively, the deaths of our parents, lovers, friends, and move on to be happy again?

It's not something you can expect to do overnight. It takes time to readjust. I suppose that when you lose somebody you love, in some sense you'll never be 100% "over it" because of course you know that your world would be a better place with that person still here. But you certainly don't have to spend the rest of your life in misery. You can still certainly reach a point where you're not dwelling on the idea, and can move on.

Fortunately we live in a great age of technology where we can preserve great memories of people through photos, video, audio recordings, etc., and even share them with the world electronically. As a Satanist, I realize that it's much more significant to remember a person for what they did in this life, rather than have a funeral in some church conducted by some priest who never knew the person, trying to rationalize the loss with the idea that the person is "with God" or some other bullshit. I also know not to fall for the dispicable scam of having the dead being contacted by a channeler or what not.

I've actually found the 5 stages from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to be pretty accurate in describing the different phases a person can go through, even if they might not go through all 5 individually.

Quote:
Do you believe that one can lose a "soul mate" and find deep love again later in life?

Frankly I don't believe in the concept of "soul mates" in the first place. Most people can certainly find somebody they're really compatible with and want to stay with them indefinitely, but it has nothing to do with some silly spiritual notion of destiny. Besides, I've been in plenty of intense and/or long-term relationships, so I've already "found deep love again" without ever having been a widow.
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#480711 - 09/18/12 07:19 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
StabAvery Offline

CoS Member

Registered: 11/16/05
Posts: 714
Loc: michigan
I would have to second Reverend Bill's words and remember them by their accomplishments and past memories with them. I have lost people unexpectedly and it never goes away but you do learn to cope.

I also agree with Reverend Bamboozle, I have seen death of a loved one permanently cripple people before. I know when my father goes it is going to take a major part of me.
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#480795 - 09/20/12 03:24 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
Mason_Rust Offline

CoS Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 1780
Loc: Michigan, USA
The only afterlife we can verify is that of allowing their ego and will to live on.

When I have lost someone close, the best way I have found to deal with it has been the natural desire to maintain and respect their memory. Chronicle the time I have spent with them, and the lessons that they taught me.

The greatest loss I've experience to this point has been that of my father's father. I was very close with him. He was stern, and taught me a lot of responsibility from as far back as I can remember. I didn't appreciate him at first, only seeing him as just a strict man, but as I entered my teens, I realized how much of a man he was making me.

He was also the only atheist in my family, and while he didn't instill that in me, when I found out that I was much like him, I could only respect him more.

I took his passing very very hard. But I'm living a life I know he'd be very proud of. I make decisions that he would respect, and can "feel" his respect though he's gone. I can't say I live my life how HE would want me to, as I live my life as a Satanist for myself. Yet, I know he would approve. Cherishing that is a way that he lives on in me and I honor him.

When we lose a loved one, the last thing they'd want is for us to dwell, not move on, and only be saddened. They would instead want us to pick up and move on, but take their will for us to be strong and live a proper, responsible life.

Ritual can be another way to honor them, and I am sure many Satanists incorporate such honor Rituals in their years. (I know I do.) It can help with the emotions that could otherwise overwhelm us. The memories of a lost one can be powerful things that inspire and motivate us, but if we don't handle them and deal with them responsibly, they can be an anchor.
_________________________
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence."
-Carl Sagan

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#480829 - 09/20/12 08:18 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
CoffinRust Offline
CoS Priest

Registered: 01/07/03
Posts: 2137
Loc: Alabama
This quote, from one of my favorite books, has proven very instrumental recently.

Quote:
"She died calmly; and her countenance expressed affection even in death. I need not describe the feelings of those whose dearest ties are rent by that most irreparable evil; the void that presents itself to the soul; and the despair that is exhibited on the countenance. It is so long before the mind can persuade itself that she, whom we saw every day, and whose very existence appeared a part of our own, can have departed for ever - that the brightness of a beloved eye can have been extinguished, and the sound of a voice so familiar, and dear to the ear, can be hushed, never more to be heard. These are the reflections of the first days; but when the lapse of time proves the reality of the evil, then the actual bitterness of grief commences. Yet from whom has not that rude hand rent away some dear connection? and why should I describe a sorrow which all have felt, and must feel? The time at length arrives, when grief is rather an indulgence than a necessity; and the smile that plays upon the lips, although it may be deemed a sacrilege, is not banished. My mother was dead, but we had still duties which we ought to perform; we must continue our course with the rest, and learn to think ourselves fortunate, whilst one remains whom the spoiler has not seized."


- Victor Frankenstein, from Mary Shelley's FRANKENSTEIN
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#480842 - 09/21/12 01:16 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Mason_Rust]
Janina Offline
CoS Member

Registered: 12/06/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: Center of my own Universe
Originally Posted By: Mason_Rust

When we lose a loved one, the last thing they'd want is for us to dwell, not move on, and only be saddened. They would instead want us to pick up and move on, but take their will for us to be strong and live a proper, responsible life.



Now this thought which my Fellow Citizen Mason Rust wrote is a very good advice for persons who are wrestling with enormous sadness. When you realize that the loved person who died wouldn´t want you to stop living.

Like I said earlier, I have buried one of my parents and didn´t even get change to say goodbye. I just got telephone call where they told that your parent is dead. Though it felt bad, and I was sad I realized that my parent had lived making it possible to me to live as well so I have to respect that present by living.

When I earlier said that we have to let the dying go, I met this. We should show to dying one that we can handle things and give them permission to go. When somebody is very seriously ill and dying it would only cost him or her more pain to attach them and try to keep them alive though they would be ready to go. We have to give our permission, show that everything is ok. and after the death respect the deceased by living our life fullest possible way.
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#480869 - 09/21/12 03:43 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Bill_M]
Shade Offline
CoS Witch

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 6133
Loc: A Trailer Park
Originally Posted By: Bill_M

Fortunately we live in a great age of technology where we can preserve great memories of people through photos, video, audio recordings, etc., and even share them with the world electronically.


Reminds me of The Johnny Cash Project. Until I saw this I'd been kind of leery (?) of digitally eulogizing, thinking it distanced one too much, depersonalized. Something. But this was incredibly moving.
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#480871 - 09/21/12 04:12 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
CWH Offline
CoS Member

Registered: 04/23/05
Posts: 3746
I am very stoic and adapt easily.

I am married and have a daughter. If I lost ether of them I'd be devastated and probably have a bout of tempoary insanity. But I'd bounce back and continue to live. They would want me too.

On that note. My step-father commited suicide 2 weekends ago. My first though was "Good." Now I am helping my mother put her life back together. She will be better off without him, trust me.

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#480879 - 09/21/12 07:18 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
S810 Offline


Registered: 02/11/06
Posts: 326
Loc: northwest
I don't know whether I've been fortunate or NOT, but I've been surrounded by death from a very early age. My grandfather at 5, my best friend at 11, and a slew of others. My best advice, is to just try and deal with it. It helps to cry and release ones anguish, but probably the worst thing, is to focus on it. When it happens you'll be most likely unprepared anyway, but putting too much emphasis on it may only intensify the grief. Hope this helps for the future.
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#480891 - 09/22/12 07:11 AM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: CoffinRust]
Mason_Rust Offline

CoS Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 1780
Loc: Michigan, USA
An excellent, fitting quote!
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"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence."
-Carl Sagan

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#480907 - 09/22/12 12:37 PM Re: Dealing With Death and Grief [Re: Labyrinthine]
Prometheus Offline
CoS Member

Registered: 01/25/05
Posts: 1115
Loc: Germany
This is one of the hardest issues to me. Over the years I have lost friends & close members of the family. Cases of terminal diseas in which death meant an end to incredible pain have been easier to cope with than sudden death as a result of accident. Still every single loss has cut a gap that cannot be filled again. Keeping these people alive in my memories has led to some relief.

Yet, admittedly, I have never made my peace with the Great Abstinence. More than anything else losing people I have held dear has enforced my contempt & hate against the grim reaper. It has caused me to use any opportunity I have to carry out my personal war against this prime foe. And I shall keep on doing so for as long as I'm part of the Great Indulgence.
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