This is my first post so be gentle! I apologise for any typos, I'm having to use my iPad to post this. Enjoy my rambling!
My Journey to Satanism
Growing up I obsessed with the 'forbidden' - vampires, monsters, witches, ghosts, anything at all that went bump in the night. I was fascinated by these outcasts and in some respects I related to them. I was that fat gay kid that everyone picked on because I was weird. I would stay up to the little hours watching horror movies quite literally scaring myself shitless! My interest in the dark soon led me to the Occult at around age 10 when I got my first computer and began using the internet. I became interested in neo-paganism, witchcraft and Wicca and for some years practiced - I yearned for a relationship with 'God' and thought that I may find this through some form of alternative spirituality. I had heard about the Church of Satan
and The Satanic Bible - it was always there lurking in the shadows although I completely ignored it and if I'm honest rolled my eyes and thought it was attention seeking.
Years past and although still interested in magic and witchcraft, still couldn't find this mysterious creature called God (or Goddess) everyone was so obsessed with.
I began researching other occult groups including OTO, BOTA, HOGD etc and finally stumbled across the Qabalah.
Qabalah really interested me and its completely abstract symbolism and description of God made total sense to me, after all if God did exist, it would be impossible for us to really understand it. I researched and read everything I could get my hands on and in the end I just ended up with a massive headache as I soon realised it was like trying to read a Chinese dictionary not knowing how to speak Chinese. It was so complicated it was as though it was designed to confuse and trip you up.
In the end, I gave up. I realised that after this mega God quest, I had never once felt its presence or had any belief in such a being despite trying my hardest too. All of the occult and hermetic books I read were just giving me headaches and in the end made no sense.
To quote LaVey in The Satanic Bibe:"If the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, then established
occultists would do well as maze -makers. The basic principles of ceremonial magic have been relegated for so long to infinitely classified bits of scholastic mysticism, that the would-be wizard becomes the victim of the very art of misdirection which he, himself, should be employing!"
I had read some Satanic literature some years between my occult 'digging', namely TSB and TSS and at that time I don't think I was in the right head space to really understand the philiosophy and its inherent simplicity. The books sat on my shelves for some years.
I became involved with an Alexandrian witchcraft coven and eventually became initiated as a 1st degree. I was interested in ritual - the theatre, the incense, robes, candles. I can't say I had a particular 'belief' in magic. I also can definitely say I had no belief in God despite trying my hardest. I just couldn't be convinced and found no evidence for such a thing. Shortly after my initiation the group fell apart and, well, that was that.
Years had gone by with The Satanic Bible sitting on my book shelf until one day I picked it up and with a clear, rational mind sat down and read it. When I was finished I thought to myself.... but I've always thought these things? These principles are already how I live my life! I was so taken back that all along, everything that I thought was sitting in that tiny little book at the top of my bookcase. I can only think that my previous reading of TSB was hazed in a mist of occultism and I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
I had came full circle.
I understand now how Satanists are born and not made. I did not convert to Satanism, rather I found a name for the principles and philosophy which I have always followed without a name, thanks to Anton LaVey and the Chuch of Satan. And in my search for God I realised he was there all along - it's me!
Since finding myself printed in the words of the TSB (cliche I know)I have devoured everything I can get my hands on- The Satanic Scriptures, The Satanic Rituals, Secret Life of a Satanist, The Devils Notebook everything on the official website. Next on the list is The Satanic Witch, The Satanic Warlock, Satan Speaks and Infernelia.
I recently boxed up quite a number of occult books and felt it was time to part with them. I sold them onto a book shop, for quite a nice sum. This was a very purging experience.
What better way than to use this money towards my registered membership?