It’s obvious that many come here and are pretenders to the throne. Beyond the normal moderation that goes on, there is little that can be done about the sheep in wolves clothing who stroll in from time to time. So I present a challenge to the fakes and phonies, be their reality known to them or not: If you can’t be a Satanist, at least prove you have some amount of talent and do a better job of pretending!

Here are some quick and easy steps:

1. Shut Up About Your Worthless Past

While it’s sometimes difficult to pick a true Satanist out of a crowd of people, it’s quite easy to pick a person out of a crowd of Satanists. There are, after all, many indicators that someone is not a part of what is the Alien Elite, and one such indicator is a history of life failures. If you make a post telling us that you’ve had one or more serious problems in your life concerning drug addiction, self-mutilation, consistent low self esteem issues, etc., and in the next paragraph tell us that when you read TSB realized that you’re a Satanist…and have always been one, then we’ll be laughing our asses off at you. We stratify ourselves everyday, even through the medium of this message board. By mentioning your life blunders, not only are you showing us that you have failed yesterday, you’re also demonstrating that you’re still pretty stupid today for bringing it up in the first place.

2. No More Dirty Laundry

Everyone has problems. As a wise man once said, “Shit happens,” and a Satanist is not exempt from this. However, how a Satanist deals with personal problems is one way that they prove that they are above the rest. If you really think you are a member of an elite group, you should be able to solve the overwhelming majority of your problems on your own, and have the confidence in your "black heart" you're so in love with to not require the advice of internet strangers before you go about a course of action. If you have something difficult going on in your life, do yourself a favor and tackle it on your own. Prove your worth to yourself, and spare the rest of us! Just because you think you're a Satanist doesn't mean I give two shits about your problems...I have my own and am too busy either solving my problems or enjoying my life to deal with yours. If your own resources are not enough, (and granted, they sometimes may not be) consult others who are close to you, even PM an LttD friend if you must, but air out your dirty laundry somewhere besides this message board! If I may be so presumptuous, I doubt Reverend Ventrue intended for Letters To The Devil to serve as an advice column!

3. No, I Don’t Want To Help The Herd

Satanists are elite. How elite someone is depends upon how much skill or lack of skill everyone else possesses. As a Satanist, I am proud of what I am, and am quite pleased that I am one of few. For that reason, I don’t think it would be awesome if everyone else was a Satanist, so cease the propaganda that suggests it would be a grand old time. It wouldn’t. No, I don’t want The Satanic Bible in public school libraries. I don’t want Satanism covered in a Religions Of The World class. I don’t think Anton LaVey should be taught in schools. Let the real Satanists find their way to Satanism on their own! If they are the real deal, they’ll make it there eventually, and even if they don’t, no sweat off their backs—they’re defacto anyway! If you’re coming to this board saying something along the lines of “I wish I had found TSB earlier in my life,” I very much wonder "why?" When I read TSB, I found it to be a masterpiece, but I never had a feeling that my life would be better off if I had read it at some point earlier. Reading TSB didn’t actually change my life, it simply clued me in that there is a name for what I already am, and already have been. If finding and reading TSB was for you the equivalent of having a rope tossed out to a drowning man, more power to you for improving your life, but you are not a Satanist. A Satanist wouldn't have been drowning in the first place! And if you want the herd to read TSB because you think it will help them too, take your humanitarian bullshit to somewhere more fitting. Around here, it’s a square peg.

If the shoe fits, wear it. Truly, the best option is to pack your shit and hit the trail. But, if you insist on staying and causing pains for yourself, at least have the self respect to follow these steps and do a better job of being a fake! Hell, if you do a good enough job, only you will know deep down that you're a phony. Doesn't that sound great?!

Hail Satan!

"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence."
-Carl Sagan