Ever since I came to grips with what I am, what I believe in, I've had trouble shaking off some of the elements of my previous Christian upbringing. Now I'm not asking for any of that born-not-made argument here, ok, I don't need any validation from anybody. What I'm talking about is the faulty moral and ethical values, and sometimes plain ol' bullshit ideas from my past as a Christian. Mind you, I didn't ask to be raised by fundamentalist Christian parents, I'm sure no one given the choice before-hand would, but it happened. I'm sure there has to be a few people here who know what I'm talking about.
I have certain inculcated, persistent yearnings that run contrary to my core-beliefs that keep me perpetually depressed. For example, I hold strongly to an atheistic view of the universe, it's just the way I've always been, it's all I can logically justify in my mind, and heart. But the fear of death makes me wish for an afterlife, that I might never taste death and never have to stop enjoying living. Again, though, realize I'm nobody's fool, and I realize the limitations in both myself and the universe. I harbor no belief that I'll live forever, but the fear of death makes me lust just that much more for life!
Another example: I know that might makes right, and Lex Talionis is the rule of the land, but there's still some pathetic vein in me that finds some sort of comfort in the idea that people should have all-encompassing love for one another and lay down their natural distrust and apprehension of one another for a chance at some sort of Jesus-inspired utopia. Realize, I know this is impossible, it is contrary to nature, and thus an impossibility no matter how much a billion humans might wish for it.
But the problem is with the impulses themselves, and that I still have them. Has anyone else had a struggle repairing the damage done to them as a child by any kind of theistic religious upbringing? If so, does anyone have any useful advice as to how best to move on from these harmful lingering attachments to impossible ideas? Since I can remember, since I was a child I remember knowing with all my heart that everyone else was wrong, and that what we saw is what we were getting. But inside, perhaps because of the constant barrage of religious tripe flung my way, I hoped that I was the one who was wrong, and that this crazy supernatural shit was real. And after all these years of struggle, with them having never gotten through, their religion having never "stuck", I feel a sort of sadness that they couldn't invalidate my beliefs.
To sum it up, it's like they knew they'd lost but their last cheap kick in the balls was to make me wish I was wrong. And at times, sometimes more than I'd like, I do. How do I get rid of this kind of baggage?
"Satanism has become a gravitational force. We know that it doesn't matter what you were before. Once you discover your Satanic persona, that's it. You knew it was lurking inside you. You just couldn't quite conceptualize it."
- Anton Szandor LaVey