As a Satanist, you are feeling a need to "study".

This is a quest for facts, for truth, for knowledge, which is hardwired into your system. It is also quite the gratifying task, as you are slowly piecing together a big puzzle about history, culture, philosophy, and why the human animal came to be what it is today.

However, there is a paradox in there.

When studying by virtue of assimilating information, as in reading books and the like, you have to trust the author to a certain extent. You have to let down the guard of skepticicm and accept the premises that are being drawn up by somebody else.

This may some times cause you to "read the wrong way" by which I mean that you are seeking evidence to your preconceived ideas and beliefs rather than objective information. I have caught myself doing this more times than I care to count.

I believe that "true studying" is more about challenging than confirming your ideas, and that you have to a great extent lost this battle whenever you become too convinced about the universal nature of this or that "truth". But these little "AHA! moments" that you sometimes get when a piece of information is connecting with something you already knew and presenting in in a whole new light are very gratifying.

To such an extent that I sometimes think it a perversion of a semi-sexual nature - an abstract hunger which can never truly be satisfied, demanding to be exercised again and again.

I don't see this in a lot of people. Most seem to be content with having some major questions answered in what to them seems a satisfactory way, after which point they will rehearse this information again and again, becoming every time more convinced that they have got it all together now.

The more certain I feel about something, the more suspicious I become of it. This is probably the basest reason why I don't much like people who are "believers" of any kind. They seem insane to me. Or maybe I'm the insane one? Should I not settle down for comfort at some point? It's not like this ever ongoing, ferrety quest for knowledge has ever really made me happy. I don't know. And that's the heart of the problem.