What I am looking for is for someone to help me understand where this desire is coming from. and What the church can possibly offer for me.

No one can help you understand where "this desire" is coming from. It is your desire!

I get this feeling you want to hear that some mystical magical thing is calling you forth....or some such nonsense. But that is not what we're about.

This church can offer you nothing. And it is looking less and less likely that you can offer anything to it.

Magistra, Church of Satan/
Autocrat of the Damned