sounds a bit like this thread: What does Satanism mean to you - LTTD But I am not a mod, so I can't say anything.

Nonetheless, I discovered Satanism after years of studying other religions. I was inspired to study other religions, philosophy, and science because of my rigid Christian upbringing. We had the whole 9 yards, no poke'mon, no Magic: The Gathering, Fantasy novels, TV shows that my parents church friends deemed "evil." The first time I ever mentioned Satan to my dad what after I had spend a week mowing lawns at 14 years old. I had mowed for $10 a lawn and earned 30 bucks, which was alot for a 14 year old kid who grew up in a lower middle class home.

We lived about 20 minutes outside of Springfield, OH and we would travel into town from the countryside at least once a week when dad got paid. One time I told my dad I had earned my own money and so I wanted to buy some gaming cards. At the time I was Christian (enough to make my parents happy, once I turned 15 I became an atheist), and so when I got this super white-light looking angel card I was desperate to show him, and finally prove to him that not all indulgences in life are evil. Once I showed him he told me "Satan dresses up as an angel of light to deceive us from the path of righteousness." At that moment I realized that the path I was one was damned if you do and damned if you don't. In a fit a rage I told him that if enjoy life meant aligning with Satan, then I would. Though he was gonna beat the crap out of me right there in the supermarket. Needless to say, I was a small Satan, I wanted the heavy metal, the gothic clothes, the magic power, because I loved it, I was obsessed with it. Nights I wouldn't sleep, I would read books about magicians, witches and wizards in fantasy lands and lay awake thinking about what I would do with my own personal power. I had an unusual enjoyment about reading about Black Magic. I would always play as a Black Magician in the old (I mean the old) Final Fantasy games. Music was a very small role in influencing me Satanically, but it did in a small way.

The years in college gave me time to get involved in all the Logic and Philosophy classes and groups I could, I though I was going to be some great psychologist. But then I remembered the oldest desire I had since I was a small child, being a Firefighter and Medic. It was due to a car accident my mother, me and brother was in with a guy who ran a red-light. So despite the chiding from my family about how dangerous the job was, I enlisted in the city fire academy. I kept doing logic, philosophy, and religion classes hoping to find the best answer for myself, but everything seemed empty and idealistic to me. I could question everyone of the religions to the point where people would get so pissed at me, but I could single handily break it down to a level of absurdity. After awhile, through some weird channels I met some people and settled down in a small Buddhist group in Dayton, Ohio, only for a short time.

However, over the years as I studied and protested nuclear manufacturing, warfare, and wrote lectures, and hosted Buddhist meetings on Environmental Issues I felt a small fire deep inside that this was all B.S. It wasn't until I was browsing though the New Age section at a book store that I stumbled on the Satanic Bible. I picked it up and flipped through it. I just started reading it, right there, never did that before with any other book. I agreed with everything in it. Being a Buddhist I was starting to kinda get embarrassed with all the stuff in it that I was agreeing with. I bought it, the Satanic Rituals, and Satan Speaks all that night and by the end of the week I was privately considering myself a Satanist. As my library grew with the rest of the Church's books it has concreted Satanic philosophy in my Life. I had realized what I was even since I was a small boy, yearning for the desires of Life, Will to Power, and Indulgence.

And that's how I came to realize I was a Satanist. I like the idea of being a Satanist in a burning house, putting a fire out. Sometimes I use those feelings I have in ritual. I it as the Ultimate Will to Power for myself. I can also feel Satanic doing CPR and saving a life. It's the idea of inverting what people assume you are being a Satanist that makes me smile as well.


Edited by Triath (06/25/12 07:55 PM)
_________________________
Triath: The Inquiring Satanist and Firefighter/EMT
Profile graphic used with permission from ASP Apparel