I had always been attracted to the “dark side,” but I never knew that there was a particular term that applied to me.
When I was in my teens in high school, I wore black a lot and was in a gang called the Hell Patrol. It was our “anti-hero” version of the “preps’” gang which was known as the Pearl Street Posse (P.S.P.). We never did anything illegal aside from fighting jocks at football games, etcetera. Most of my friends didn’t participate in athletics during high school, but I was involved in track and field and wrestling. It’s interesting to note that like Mason Rust, I too was involved in individual sports. The sport that I excelled in the most was power lifting and I took a gold medal in 1994 at the state highs school power lifting meet. I was very proud of myself, as I had not excelled in other sports.
After high school, I became interested in Wicca and studied under a mentor for a short time. I met my first wife at a metaphysical shop in our hometown. At that time in my life, I was searching for the darker side of me and of life. I would listen to and ponder the lyrics of King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. I later married the girl from the metaphysical shop.
Somehow we became involved in Christianity for many years. As time passed in our marriage, I became a guilt-laden slave to Christianity with all the “bells and whistles.” There was a time when I drove the church bus to pick up the kids for Sunday school. On one particular occasion, the church’s pastor had to ride with me to the gas station to refuel the bus. When we arrived at the gas station there was a feeling in me that was hard to shake. I looked over at the feeble man that preached the philosophy of a risen zombie that pushed slavery and passivity over aggression and deliberation. I kept thinking to myself, “I would like to punch this man right in the nose and shatter his spectacles and watch him bleed!” “Then I will strangle him with my bare hands.” But, I fought off the sinister urge. At the time I didn’t fully understand my feelings. Later on I realized that my contempt for the preacher revolved around the notion that I was merely working for a “good guy badge” which the church’s committee dangled over my gullible head.
I was in the Army then as well. Later my wife and I moved with the Army to Colorado. We found a different but similar church to attend there. I quickly became involved in the church’s choir and was satisfied with my life for a time. But, strange things kept happening to me of which I had a hard time dealing with. One noteworthy detail was when I began remembering all of the dark and wonderful music that I used to listen to as a teen. I would be driving the 45 miles to work and absolutely have to listen to some black metal. When the local radio station wouldn’t play my odd requests, I began to download the lyrics to my favorite songs so that I could perform them a cappella. Later on, I started telling my former wife that I was working late just to get out of church. I would pull up to our house which was 45 miles from Fort Carson after my wife and kids had already left for church and the house would be empty for hours. I would quickly get busy performing a cappella versions of my favorite King Diamond, Mercyful Fate and Judas Priest songs. I was still involved with the church choir and I was asked to perform a trio, music special for the Sunday service. I did my best to incorporate some falsetto and timing changes into my parts to make the song sound heavier. The song was performed on Sunday morning, and recorded as well. But the song did not become publically available because of the way that I sang my parts.
I later deployed to Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom 10. While deployed, I became increasingly fascinated with the carnality of life and the selfish pleasures of which I had denied myself for so very long. In my spare time I read many, various horror stories including Alfred Hitchcock, Stephen King, and Clive Barker. Additionally, I would spend my spare time reading the works of Aleister Crowley and the works of the Order of Nine Angles. All the while I was fascinated by the philosophy and music of King Diamond and Mercyful Fate and I practiced my growling and scream singing every chance that I got. I also began an affair with the beautiful woman of my life who is now my wife. My antics at work while deployed attracted the attention of one particular individual who identified himself as a former Satanist. He challenged me to read the Satanic Bible. When I couldn’t find a copy of TSB, I ordered TSB and TSS from Amazon. When the books came in I tore through them and saw myself in the captivating, bold words of Anton LaVey. I began performing the rituals as outlined in the TSB with the minimal accoutrements necessary for productive rituals and I truly saw greater magic working for me. During the deployment I realized that I could not just let the love of my life simply slip through my fingers as the sands near the sea. And so, I made a deliberate commitment to live a life of happiness and prosperity instead of a life of entrapments and religious slavery.
My girlfriend and I were later caught together and we were both dealt with, compliments of the uniform code of military justice. However, after I proposed to her, we made secret arrangements to divorce our former spouses so that we could legally marry each other after the deployment.
After the deployment and a re-read of TSB and TSS, I married my new wife, who accepts and loves me just the way that I am and I mailed off my request to become an active member with the Church of Satan.
One thing that kept me going through the turmoil that arose during the deployment was a quote from TSB which says, “Blessed are those that believe in what is best for them, for never shall their minds be terrorized.”
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"Life is the great indulgence--death, the great abstinence. Therefore, make the most of life--HERE AND NOW!"