My parents were rabid Catholics who tried to force their beliefs on me. At one point I took the attitude that my allegiance was for sale. Which ever deity stepped up and gave me what I wanted, had my devotion. None stepped up. In the end, I made my dreams come true. I was the god that answered my prayers. Pretty simple but I did my best to complicate the matter.
Mistaking my love of nature for paganism, I joined a Wiccan group and was promptly ear-marked for the priesthood. I enjoyed the knowledge and the community but a lot of them just made my skin crawl, bunch of tree-hugging hippies with their 'perfect love and perfect trust'. I didn't love or trust any of of them but I enjoyed belonging and the sharing of knowledge so I stayed.
Part of the priesthood training was to learn about other religions. I picked up the Satanic Bible, something no one else did. Fascinating, honest read. It was like someone holding up a mirror to me. However my teachers were less than enthusiastic.
He's a charlatan. Nothing he writes is true. He's hiding the truth. You have to watch out for him. He used to work in a carnival, what does that tell you? I've met him, he's very charismatic. Don't read that again.
That's what I was told. Ok, maybe they're wrong and maybe they're right. Let's wait and see.
I missed a class, I missed a circle. Why weren't you at class? Why weren't you at circle? You know, if you want to be a priestess.... To learn you must suffer.... A lot of things came together at once and I realized that I wasn't being honest with myself and I was cheating the others. I walked, from the church and from Wicca.
One wintery morning while I was packing away my Wicca books I found TSB. I opened it and began to read. The next thing I knew I was reaching to turn on a light because it was night.
I've said before that for me, faith has always been work; a constant fight against my own nature to attempt to be what others have said that I should want to be. I decided at that moment as I turned on the light, that I was done fighting.
For my sins I will ask no forgiveness. For my sins they are not to forgive.